Miscarriage? That will never happen to me.
After getting married in 2017, I got pregnant right away. My husband and I were super excited, and shared the news with our families over Thanksgiving. We started talking about names, and trying to figure out what I wanted to do for work. In December, I was planning on sharing the news with my boss so we could discuss leave options. A friend told me that I should wait to share my news until I was 13 weeks along in case of a miscarriage. I got mad at her for even mentioning the word miscarriage. This wasn’t going to happen to me, and my baby was going to be just fine.
Then I started bleeding.
I went to the bathroom right before I was supposed to meet with my boss. I started bleeding. A lot. There was so much blood and it just kept coming. There are no words to describe how I was feeling in that moment, but I kept telling myself that everything was fine, and I was sure that it was normal to bleed sometimes while pregnant.
Everything was going to be okay, right?
I was in a fog as I sat back down at my desk. What should I do? I was desperate for someone to tell me it was going to be okay and that my baby was fine. I went to go see the nurse in our building, tears dripping from my eyes the whole way over as I held a hand over my stomach. I guess it was an involuntary reaction trying to protect and connect with my baby. The nurse told me that some bleeding can be normal, but recommended I go see my OBGYN or go to the ER.
Then the other shoe dropped.
My husband and I went to the ER, and I went to the bathroom as soon as we arrived. Once again, there was a lot of blood. Seeing it felt like a knife to the heart. The rest of what happened was a blur to me. I remember that I had an ultrasound. I don’t remember most of what was said to me except one thing. After being there for an indefinite amount of time, the doctor told me that I was having a miscarriage. That knife twisted and lodged in deeper. I cried inconsolably as I had never cried before in my life. It was an ugly cry, the kind that breaks you and you feel deep down in your soul. I felt completely helpless knowing that I couldn’t do anything to help my baby.
“Miscarriages are common.”
I guess deep down I already knew it before she told me, but I had been holding on for dear life to the tiniest bit of hope that everything was going to be okay. The doctor at the ER kept telling me how common miscarriages are. It made me feel even worse because all I could think was if they were so common, why couldn’t I think of anyone who had had one?
I will never forget my baby that I didn’t get to meet.
I felt completely devastated and totally alone. My husband was so supportive, but what I really wanted was to connect with someone who had actually had a miscarriage. When we got home, I continued to bleed. The heartbreak I felt every time was overwhelming, and the sharp pain that I intermittently felt in my abdomen seemed fitting. I felt as though I was no longer carrying life inside me, but death.
This is still something that is difficult for me to think about, and writing this brought tears to my eyes. But I never want to forget. I always want to remember my baby that I never got to meet. To all of you mamas who have had miscarriages, you are not alone.
I wanted to write this article for a couple of reasons. One reason was to honor my baby, and the other was to potentially help other moms who have gone through or are going through miscarriages. We all may heal in different ways, and even though it never makes you feel good that someone else has gone through this, maybe it will help to know that you are not alone. Please comment below and share this article if you think it will help other mamas out there.